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Brokeness

09/08/2011 21:39

When I was very young, I remember always wanting to be a princess.  Always having sparkly dresses and jewlery and shoes and makeup and anything else that could possibly be made pink, or purple, or glittered, was exactly what I wanted.  I was in love with being the most beautiful princess and finding my prince charming, who was often the fox Robin from Disney's Robin Hood.  Being a girl was something special and inocent and I really loved it. 

Then something happened.  Something terrible to some, yet common place for others.  My parents got a divorce.  It was over 10 years ago now, but it still hurts the same now as it did then.  Altho I have come to terms with it, it's still not something that will eventually get better or go away.  No, it's a permanant problem and it's never going away, no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut and wish it away, my fairy godmother is just not that powerful to reverse time and relationships.  From that moment forward, I never wanted anything to do with anything sparkly, or princesses, or pink, or makeup, or anything else that could possibly resemble girliness in anyway.  I saw girls as weak and vunerable and I did not want to portray that in any way shape or form.  I wanted ppl to know that I was strong and confident and knew exactly what I was doing and what I wanted in life.  And I also thought, that love was too mushy and something that didn't exsist.

I spent the next 10 years of my life trying to be someone I'm not, simply for the fact of not being weak.  I was strong and I had to show them that.  But, the truth is, I was so broken inside, I didn't know where my strength was going to come from when I needed to fake it.  I was falling apart, yet still I held on to the one and only belief I created, that love was the ultimate sign of weakness. 

I will admit, I resented my gender.  I literally HATED being female.  I HATED it with all my being.  And whenever someone told me I was a girl, or called me a lovely young lady, all I wanted to do was punch them square in the face and tell them to never call me that again.  Any words associated with "girl" was offensive.  I refused to be called a girl, or think of myself as such.  But I think somewhere in that whole process, I lost myself.  Inside, I still felt like the same 12 year old crying for her father to come home for Christmas and never leave or scream or fight with her mother in the middle of the night again.  I just wanted to be whole, I wanted that safety back. 

When they divorced, it wasn't just the marriage that ended, it was the family that was cut to pieces and all relationship ties were joyously burned.  (that's how it felt)  Life as I knew it as a 12 year old, was over.  It could never move on, it just stayed there.  Jeny stopped growing.  Someone else took over while I was running on auto piolate trying to disapear.  It was obvious to everyone around me that I was struggaling, but I just refused the help because I did not see the point in tyring.  I did not see the reason for living when apart of me had died when I was 12.  I never emotionally grew up after that point and just kind of quit and gave up.  I literally gave up on life.  But God had other plans.

Last year, I got an amazing job working for church camps the entire summer.  And miraculously, on June 23, 2010, at 11:39pm, God healed me.  And I don't mean from any physical ailments, I mean he healed ALL of me.  It was like, all suffering had ended and pain was no more and the only thing that mattered was living life as God intened for me to live.  I firmly believe that my life had hit it's all time low and will never reach that point again.   But, after that day, all the things I once loved before the age of 12 had returned.  And I do mean ALL of it.  Including the need to feel loved and love in return.

I must confess something tho, I am no expert when it comes to make up and hair and all that jazz, but fashion I'm ok with.  With that being said, I get SOO embarrassed everytime I have to buy foundation, or blush, or anything else related.  Haha I still am not use to it. 

I love being a girl again.  I love who I am, I love where God is taking me, and I love living life as God intended for me to live.  I don't know why I went thru and suffered what I have, I like to believe that if I had not, then when God healed me, I would never have believed it was truely him.  I mean seriously, it could have been no other BUT Christ Jesus who saved not only my life, but my soul and mind.  And I am eternally greatful for that. *^.^*

I still have my insecurities and stuggles still happen, but I have noticed that it is becoming my natural instinct to call upon God first when things get hard or out of hand for me.  I have an anxiety disorder, so when things happen, it feels like the world has stopped spinning and the apocolyps is taking place and have panic attacks.  Like recently, for example, my bike was rudely stolen from me at ASU. -_-  The initial realization I had was that I was doomed, and that there was no way I could continue my education now that my bike is gone, when I know for a fact that it's not true.  These things happen and it's all apart of life, but when little things or even big things happen, if I call upon God first, he makes it less apocolyptic and more realistic.  He helps me see things outside of the boxes as a 3rd party to better help my judgement of what to do next.  And none of this would ever have been happening if not for my birthday in 2010.

I believe all these steps I have been taking im my life r helping ppl in someway, everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that.  And I believe there was a reason my "twin" moved to California, and there was a reason she had to come down and take 3 friends with her to a wedding in AZ.  All things work  together and if we don't do what God says, then we ruin the initial plan, maybe not for us, but for someone else.  If Nikki had not moved to Cali, I would never have had the most wonderful Holiday last year, or met back up with a long time foreign friend, or even met this wonderful man whom I love dearly. <3  I believe every step I have taken, has brought me closer to right now.  The most perfect moment I could ask for.

So yes, now I am girly, and yes, I like cheesy things, but u know what? God was right, I do like it, and I like it quite alot actually.  I'm happy I finaly decided to listen to him. :)

And finally I have to say, JD is the most perfect person for me ever.  I am so happy I found him over commenting on Nikki's FB wall :P.  I know this will sound soooooooo stupid and pathetic and mooshy to everyone else reading this, but this is what he said that just made my day. We were talking about love and how hard it is for me to believe that forever exists because of what I endured growing up.  This is the result. :DDD

Me: I hope u understand that i'm gonna have these insecurities for ever.

JD: I plan on taking them away.

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

I don't know about u, but that was all I needed to hear to go floating on clouds. :)

What's to do is Much of Nothing

07/28/2011 17:02

I hate when people don't do what they are suppose to do.  For example, just like what has happened today.  I will explain.

So, there is a client in Payson, AZ who is doing an instal this week for their new church.  They ordered quite a large amount of equipment from us and we have spent great lengths of time researching and giving the best equipment for what they can afford.  Needless to say, we are on a first name basis.  We have been working with them for the past 3 months trying to get everything perfect and ordered and ready to go for this week.  Seems easy enough right?  We gave ourselves plenty of time, ordered everything 2-3 weeks out so we are absolutely positive that they will have everything, and if there is an issue, there would be enough time to fix it before this week.  Seems quite prepared doesn't it? ............ BULL!!!

Right from the get go we had issues.  We ordered the mixing desk first because that takes the longest and quite honestly, it is the only thing that has gone RIGHT!  We ordered speakers at the end of June, because JBL has a history of having random items on backorder.  So, we send over the order for the speakers to JBL, and low and behold we get a phone call.  And that can only mean one thing, something on the order is backordered.  Well, that day, it was not so.  Good news!  Nothing was backordered.  Bad news, we are currently redoing our inventory system, we should be up and running within a week. Ok, no big deal.  Manageable.  We an work with that.  A week goes by, we don't hear anything from them.  So we call.   

-_-

They say, "oh we are still working on that system, we are almost finished, perhaps maybe 24-48 hours more, we promise."  That 48 hours turned into one month and the speakers made it there just before they started getting ready for instal. And wait!! It gets better!!!  The grill for one of the speakers is damaged beyond repair.  So we have to contact the chaos that is known as JBL and get it sorted (oh dear, I'm beginning to talk like Reg >.<).  That mess was just resolved on Tuesday.  Or so, we hope anyway. And that's just the speakers, we haven't gotten to anything else yet.

SO....... We ordered lighting from Chauvet (JBL and Chauvet are apart of HP marketing who was doing the inventory change)  Ironically, Chauvet did lie to us on how long it was going to take, but their length was too short.  They were done 2 weeks before they said and didn't even to bother and tell us.  So we thought, wow, something is going good.  But we spoke too soon.  We got a call from NOT Chauvet, but the client himself.  Informing us that the wonderous lights we ordered for him have arrived.  But the only issue is, the cables that came with them are 5 pins.  The lights are 3 pinned. -_-  Why in the world, did NO ONE from Chauvet NOTICE on the order that something was ascue?????  Really?  NOBODY ever THOUGHT of that??????!!!  So after we get worked out and order the right cables, we think, ok, we are checking EVERYTHING from now on. And boy are we glad we did.

2 companies never received a purchase order and not only that, but half the items were on back order until the end of the month. (by this point it was July).  One company shipped the items to the complete wrong address and we never even sent them that address on the PO in the FIRST place.  Don't where their brains were on that one. We had to pay for shipping twice on the same items!!  These items totaled over 200lbs. So u can imagine what that must have cost to ship back!  However, after much aggrivation on the phone, we forced the company to pay for their own blindness.  But what a pain that was. 

Then randomly we get a call from our client saying everything had arrived except for his video equipment. We about thru our hands up in the air with frustration, from hearing in mid July, everything that was supposedly backordered until August was shipped. After all that work we went thru.  It was stupid to say the least.

Just this past week, the client calls again saying that he has not received everything for his video order.  I called and checked and the final package was on its way.  He called 2 days ago to say, he has no screens to go with his projectors.  And guess what?? They were never ordered!!!!  The IDIOT that was put the order in for us, conviniently left that part out. -_-  So I have been spending the last 2 days trying to fix mistakes that could have all been avoided if someone was doing their job correctly!!!  

It's just mind boggling to me how we have had an issue with every single company save one, for ALLLLL THE SAME REASONS!!!  Someone is NOT doing their job.  So I have to do SOOOO much fixing and work now, pretty much wasting my time, when I could be doing sales, or making mics, or I don't know, AUDIO ENGINEERING, all because someone decided to do nothing.

Oh goodness gracious me. -_-

 

 

PS: I know I can't spell, so please don't remind me. :P        

 

Yay for Happiness!!

07/22/2011 21:33

I have a gloriously wonderful announcement that will make all you people happy (especially those in my family).  I will explain it from the beginning and not tell you exactly what until the end.  Tho I am more than certain you will be able to figure it out once you read the first couple sentences.

Nikki came and visited me during this past spring break because she and 3 of her friends came to attend a wedding.  She brought with her her boyfriend and his sister, and a friend J.D.  I knew who he was from Facebook and found it comical how he always commented on nearly everything Nikki posted.  I use to tease him that he had a crush on Nikki because of it. 

A couple months after then, J.D. sent me emails and facebook messages and we just started talking.  They started off really serious and it was strange for me at least at how easy it was to open up to him.  I wasn't afraid to say anything to him, and I had barely known him at the time.

We started texting and our conversations became more casual and humorous. 

While I was on my vacation in California, Nikki and I hung out with him a couple times.  We spent the entire first day together and just having a plain good time.  We didn't really do much, but it was nice at least to be around Nikki and a mutual friend.

On Sunday during the vacation, NIkki, JD and I went to Discovery Kingdom Six Flags.  It was SOOO much fun!!  During the time at six flags, it became very aparent to me that I really liked hanging out with him.  Nikki noticed it too.  She was acting very gidding and strange.  I have never seen that side of her before.  It was odd to say the least.

That same evening, we watched Anne of Green Gables (of all movies he picked a 3 hour chick one??).  After the movie was over, I wanted JD to figure out how I felt about him without telling him, and the best way I knew how to do this, was to poke him, and shove him, and eventually it turned to a full on struggle on the couch.  After we exhausted ourselves at 3am I started almost falling asleep on him.  It was NIkki who said that he needed to leave because it was getting late. 

The next day I was going home and I really did not want to go.  I wanted him  to tell me he liked me too.  I knew that he did and I really wanted him to admit it aloud. I have had it gone wrong when I say something first, and this time I wanted to do it right.  At the air port we were saying good bye.  Nikki was acting giddy again and I was praying JD would admit his feelings before I left.  And that's exactly what he did.  Why I just HAD to be going home right after he said that was annoying and I hated that I had so much tying myself down to AZ.

So, yeah, I have a boy friend now!!  His name is JD, or Josh.  Just not Joshy.  He doesn't like that. :)  He is 23 years old and his birthday is the day before mine!!! Haha!!  I have suddenly become very bubbily and giddy and in love with stupid cheesy and romantic comedies.  Altho I do miss him very much and wish I could see him every day! I know that I  can't.  But we both believe this is from God.  It was so unexpected that there could be no other explaination.

Needless to say. HAPPY!!!! *^.^*

Camp 2011

06/18/2011 21:49

    I know that I am getting a little old to still be talking about summer camp, but I don't care.  I worked there last year and I technically worked again this year.  I was a dorm leader and apart of the worship team.  I really enjoyed it.  It was alot of work to do both but I still enjoyed myself.  I wasn't really expecting God to do much in my life during camp, but He had other plans.  I feel the need to explain all that had happened in only 4 days.  So I am going to. *^.^*

If you don't know, I have a disease called otosclerosis.  If you want to know exactly what it is I say google it haha.  It pretty much means that I sounds and feels like I am constantly assending up a mountain.  It doesn't hurt it's just super annoying.  I have hearing tests administered every six months to moniter the effects.  My last hearing test was done June 1st.  My doctor told me I was decimal points away from qualifying for surgery to correct the condition.  He began telling me all the risks of the surgery and what to expect during recovery and how long it was going to take, then he asked if I have ever had virtigo or get dizzy often.  I told him I had.  About a month or so ago, I had virtigo that lasted a day and a half, and I also get dizzy at night some days just randomly.  After I told this information, he told me I was the rare exception  to surgery.  About 1% of people with this sclerosis, cannot have the surgery and I am that lucky 1%.  He told me that if I were to have the surgery, then I would loose my sense of taste (which I thought was rather interesting) and completely loose my hearing.  Being dizzy often means that I have a chemical imbalance and if he atempted surgery, then it would fry my ear drums.  And just when I thought he was finished telling me horrible news, he continues to say that if my disease keeps progressing at the rate it is, then I will loose my hearing near my 30s.  Great...... That's just what a beginning audio engineer needs to hear.  "You will be deaf before you can take off in your career.

Needless to say, I was devistated.  It took all I had in me to withhold my emotions from wanting to take over.  My doctor understood I felt really upset.  Normally, people are diagnosed with sclerosis when they are in their late 40s or 50s and I was diagnosed at 19.  Now I am 21 being told that my hearing is going to disappear before I'm middle aged?  That's not fair.  My doctor told me that he wants to have at CT scan of my ears before he makes a definate diagnosis for my dizzyness.  I have one schedualed on June 24th.  I half hope that they find something and half hope that nothing is there because I hate hospitals.

On the way up to camp that Monday morning, I was praying in the car for healing to happen.  But the only way I was going to believe that God would ever heal me was if the speaker randomly decided to speak specificaly about genetic diseases and deafness, or saying that someone was healed from being deaf.  That would be the only way.  You could say that I have little faith but, it's really hard to believe physical healing to suddenly happen without medical attention.  It's just weird and hard to explain.  But those were my thoughts.

On top of being upset about my hearing disappearing, I was feeling under appreciated for being apart of the worship team.  I have actually been feeling that way for a few weeks, and being at camp for some reason made that feeling stronger.  So I just let all my focus be on getting rid of the under appreciation feeling rather than the healing.  But as you know, God has other plans. 

On Wednesday, my ears were really bothering me and it was hard to hear anything on stage through my earbuds without popping my ears every 5 10 seconds.  It was really terrible.  I decided to tell the girls in my dorm about it so that if they thought about it they could pray for me.  Instead they decided to all pray over me right then.  It was really nice of them.  I also told the band about it and they all prayed over me as well.  And what is totally awesome, I had no hearing issues all throughout the worship that night.

The next day was extreamly busy and I was feelling terrible about being apart of the band.  I just didn't feel like they cared about me at all.  Dave was playing the piano half the time and Christine was the lead female singer and Dave often told me not to sing or play something super simple on the piano  because he didn't want alot of piano, but he wanted 2 acustic guitars, and extra drums, and bass.  Just not piano. 

That Thursday evening, Dave suggested that we each pray for the person to their left.  We all thought that was a great idea, so Dave prayed for Jared P. and Jared prayed for me, and I was to pray for Travis.  When Jared prayed over me, he was saying how much he appreciated my talents for singing and playing the piano.  He even said that the band could not have asked for a better keyboardist and girl singer for the Eikon Worship Band.  The Holy Spirit must have convicted me right then, because I broke down and could not stop crying.  I had a hard time praying for Travis (I felt really bad).  It was a really great experience.

The message that night was about learning how to find God's calling for your life.  I knew my calling, I KNOW my calling.  God called me to be an audio engineer and be on the worship team.  And even now, I feel like he is calling me to continue that calling as an audio engineer.  And it's really frustrating that I have this disease and He would call me for something that requires my ears to be at their best.  I wasn't angry with God, just really confused.

During the alter call, all the students were seeking after God for their calling.  About two hours into it, the speaker comes on stage and says that he felt that he needed to talk about healing, spesifically genetic diseases that could not be treated by any medication or surgery.  When I heard that, my hands began to shake, and my heart started pounding.  I wanted to believe he was speaking to me but I was trying not become anxious.  The next thing he spoke about was about a girl in Alabama who was completely healed from being deaf.  Once I heard that, I was totally effected.  I fell down an was not just crying, I was wailing.  I didn't know what to do.  I was on stage, weeping from what I just heard and only a small handful of people would have been able to understand why I was so effected by what the speaker had said.

Reahnna came up first to the stage to pray over me, then 2 other girls plus Amanda came up and began praying for me also.  It was a wonderful Holy Spirit experience.  For me to take the time to explain everything that happened while lying under the keyboard between the Aviom and the Keyboard stand, it would take more than just this blog to write it all.  I will say that it restored my faith in God.  He did not heal me that night, but it gave me the confidence to know that God will heal me on His perfect timing.  There would be no other reason why I would be an audio engineer without a healing of my ears. If I just keep believing and asking, He will heal me.  I just have to believe.

Age of Innocence

05/09/2011 14:41

    School is coming to a close for most everyone this month and summer life embarks.  For half of the education population summer has already begun and do not understand why they are still attending classes.  My classes are officially over as of last Friday, I now have finals to complete by Wednesday and then graduation arrives.  For me, life will continue on as normal with the only exception of detouring MCC completely.  For others, all summer means is party, except all in capital letters.  This mainly effects the older generation but the concept applies to everyone.  Everyone has the knowledge of forcing activities upon themselves that would otherwise cause more harm physically than attending the stress filled class rooms daily.  I guess it's only a mental difference.

    Recently, I watched "Father of the Bride" with my mom.  I know that that movie is very cheezy and nothing related to relaity happens but watching it, made me realize that times have completely changed. At least in America things have changed I've noticed.  Marriage is not viewed the same anymore.  It seems that only those that are serious about religious beliefs truely care about the reason for marriage.  It seems that people live like they are already married but "without the committment".  It's sad really.  People are really disrespecting morality in that sense.

    I was really upset with this thought while watching this movie.  It's really horrible to think about how people can change the face of morality and call it ok.  They say that it's ok to have sex whenever you feel like it, just don't get pregnant or an STD.  You don't have to be married because being married means that you have no inexpensive way out of the relationship.  Is there no innocence anymore??

    I want to keep mine.  Most of my friends are no longer virgins.  There may be only 1 or 2 who still hold true to their innocence.  I say enough is enough!

    This world is becoming sick and twisted and horridly discusting!   I am here to say that I intend on keeping my innocence.  I am NOT going to fall into the habbit of distorting morality.  Morality is what God made for us to follow.  There is a purpose for it.  We don't need to be trying to control it and shape it into whatever we want.  Eventually it'll all fall apart if this is how the world wants to live; and I want NO part of it.

    Who wants to hold true to their age of innocence with me?    

The Life and Death of Technology

04/17/2011 14:00

 

Ok......so, I have discovered that it is time to put this computer to rest and give birth to a new one.  There is no sense in trying to make this one do what I want/need it to do for both my career and school.  I will explain.

I have just recieved a new recording software from my job and was thrilled to have recieved it!!  It took a total of 12 hours to download everthing on my PC.  I spent the last 2 days doing nothing but download the new software.  I was so excited that I could not wait to try it out.  I LOVE absolutely LOVE technology!!  Anytime there is something new that comes out,  I have to hear about it and learn all that I can about it.  It's AWESOME!! 

However, there does come a time when once was brand new becomes old.  And it doesn't just become a few months or couple years old, it becomes ancient in a short amount of time.

Computers can barely last 2 years before they turn into old news.  And sadly, my HP Entertainment Pavillion complete with Windows Vista, Intel centrino Duo, and Microsoft 2007, is old news.  My little HP is only 3 years old.  But he no longer provides the assistance I need for my career any longer.  I am sorry my sweetness, but it is time I replace thee with a new computer.

How I came to discover such a devistating realization was while spending that last 2 days downloading the greatest piece of technology on the planet!!!  All to discover my efforts were wasted!!  My computer cannot handle the ora of greatness.  It is impossibly imcapable of doing so.  I am very very VERY pissed at my great HP but there is nothing I can do about it.  I must digress and purchase a new great companion that will be able to handle all the magnificent greatness of the brand new Presonus recording software known as Studio One Pro Champion!!!!!

Until I have purchased a new Mac/PC I will have to sit in suspence at how awesome the Presonus Studio One Pro Champion edition is.

*SSSSSSsssiiiiiiiigggghhhhhhhhh*

Thus is the life and death of technology.

Ah Life Life Life

03/30/2011 13:34

 Yes, I am at work writing this. Bad Jeny, Bad Jeny!!

I just want to take a moment to express myself...........Moment taken!!!

Haha,

Amanda did great at her Fine Arts Festival on Saturday. (Pics to come soon)  She didn't get the award of "Merit", it use to be the award of excellence.  I am very curious though as to what the judges have to say about her tree.  It looks so life like!!  I almost watered it when I was house sitting for them when they were on their cruise.  Yes, very strange I know, but it is very true!!!

Well, anyway, life is moving forward.  Which is exactly the way you want it to go. Lol  I am still stressed everyday but it is starting to settle down.

First blog

03/24/2011 06:05

My new blog has been launched today! Yay!!! 

Stay focused on it and I will try to keep you informed.

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