Brokeness

09/08/2011 21:39

When I was very young, I remember always wanting to be a princess.  Always having sparkly dresses and jewlery and shoes and makeup and anything else that could possibly be made pink, or purple, or glittered, was exactly what I wanted.  I was in love with being the most beautiful princess and finding my prince charming, who was often the fox Robin from Disney's Robin Hood.  Being a girl was something special and inocent and I really loved it. 

Then something happened.  Something terrible to some, yet common place for others.  My parents got a divorce.  It was over 10 years ago now, but it still hurts the same now as it did then.  Altho I have come to terms with it, it's still not something that will eventually get better or go away.  No, it's a permanant problem and it's never going away, no matter how hard I squeeze my eyes shut and wish it away, my fairy godmother is just not that powerful to reverse time and relationships.  From that moment forward, I never wanted anything to do with anything sparkly, or princesses, or pink, or makeup, or anything else that could possibly resemble girliness in anyway.  I saw girls as weak and vunerable and I did not want to portray that in any way shape or form.  I wanted ppl to know that I was strong and confident and knew exactly what I was doing and what I wanted in life.  And I also thought, that love was too mushy and something that didn't exsist.

I spent the next 10 years of my life trying to be someone I'm not, simply for the fact of not being weak.  I was strong and I had to show them that.  But, the truth is, I was so broken inside, I didn't know where my strength was going to come from when I needed to fake it.  I was falling apart, yet still I held on to the one and only belief I created, that love was the ultimate sign of weakness. 

I will admit, I resented my gender.  I literally HATED being female.  I HATED it with all my being.  And whenever someone told me I was a girl, or called me a lovely young lady, all I wanted to do was punch them square in the face and tell them to never call me that again.  Any words associated with "girl" was offensive.  I refused to be called a girl, or think of myself as such.  But I think somewhere in that whole process, I lost myself.  Inside, I still felt like the same 12 year old crying for her father to come home for Christmas and never leave or scream or fight with her mother in the middle of the night again.  I just wanted to be whole, I wanted that safety back. 

When they divorced, it wasn't just the marriage that ended, it was the family that was cut to pieces and all relationship ties were joyously burned.  (that's how it felt)  Life as I knew it as a 12 year old, was over.  It could never move on, it just stayed there.  Jeny stopped growing.  Someone else took over while I was running on auto piolate trying to disapear.  It was obvious to everyone around me that I was struggaling, but I just refused the help because I did not see the point in tyring.  I did not see the reason for living when apart of me had died when I was 12.  I never emotionally grew up after that point and just kind of quit and gave up.  I literally gave up on life.  But God had other plans.

Last year, I got an amazing job working for church camps the entire summer.  And miraculously, on June 23, 2010, at 11:39pm, God healed me.  And I don't mean from any physical ailments, I mean he healed ALL of me.  It was like, all suffering had ended and pain was no more and the only thing that mattered was living life as God intened for me to live.  I firmly believe that my life had hit it's all time low and will never reach that point again.   But, after that day, all the things I once loved before the age of 12 had returned.  And I do mean ALL of it.  Including the need to feel loved and love in return.

I must confess something tho, I am no expert when it comes to make up and hair and all that jazz, but fashion I'm ok with.  With that being said, I get SOO embarrassed everytime I have to buy foundation, or blush, or anything else related.  Haha I still am not use to it. 

I love being a girl again.  I love who I am, I love where God is taking me, and I love living life as God intended for me to live.  I don't know why I went thru and suffered what I have, I like to believe that if I had not, then when God healed me, I would never have believed it was truely him.  I mean seriously, it could have been no other BUT Christ Jesus who saved not only my life, but my soul and mind.  And I am eternally greatful for that. *^.^*

I still have my insecurities and stuggles still happen, but I have noticed that it is becoming my natural instinct to call upon God first when things get hard or out of hand for me.  I have an anxiety disorder, so when things happen, it feels like the world has stopped spinning and the apocolyps is taking place and have panic attacks.  Like recently, for example, my bike was rudely stolen from me at ASU. -_-  The initial realization I had was that I was doomed, and that there was no way I could continue my education now that my bike is gone, when I know for a fact that it's not true.  These things happen and it's all apart of life, but when little things or even big things happen, if I call upon God first, he makes it less apocolyptic and more realistic.  He helps me see things outside of the boxes as a 3rd party to better help my judgement of what to do next.  And none of this would ever have been happening if not for my birthday in 2010.

I believe all these steps I have been taking im my life r helping ppl in someway, everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that.  And I believe there was a reason my "twin" moved to California, and there was a reason she had to come down and take 3 friends with her to a wedding in AZ.  All things work  together and if we don't do what God says, then we ruin the initial plan, maybe not for us, but for someone else.  If Nikki had not moved to Cali, I would never have had the most wonderful Holiday last year, or met back up with a long time foreign friend, or even met this wonderful man whom I love dearly. <3  I believe every step I have taken, has brought me closer to right now.  The most perfect moment I could ask for.

So yes, now I am girly, and yes, I like cheesy things, but u know what? God was right, I do like it, and I like it quite alot actually.  I'm happy I finaly decided to listen to him. :)

And finally I have to say, JD is the most perfect person for me ever.  I am so happy I found him over commenting on Nikki's FB wall :P.  I know this will sound soooooooo stupid and pathetic and mooshy to everyone else reading this, but this is what he said that just made my day. We were talking about love and how hard it is for me to believe that forever exists because of what I endured growing up.  This is the result. :DDD

Me: I hope u understand that i'm gonna have these insecurities for ever.

JD: I plan on taking them away.

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

I don't know about u, but that was all I needed to hear to go floating on clouds. :)

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